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Sun, Mar. 12th, 2006, 06:09 pm
Damnable Fuck!
Well, I am feeling somewhat better. I guess. For now. Isaac and I are completely over now, unfortunately. I cried last night for the first time in quite awhile. I can't do anything that reminds me of him or I break down. I am so dumb thinking he could change. My fondest desire is for Isaac to become happy. It's all I want. But I can't for the life of me figure out a way to show him that he can be happy. I was happy with him and I know he was with me. I still don't quite understand his reasons for cutting himself off from me. He doesn't want to bring anyone down with him, and that's all I can think of. Or I'm just ignoring that maybe he didn't like me as much as I hoped he did. Whatever I suppose, I am completely giving up on it. Until he contacts me. Then I will do all in my power to help him. Crap, all my stupid writings are all introspective and shit now. What ever happened to just having no cares?
I am seeing a counselor now. I am coping with the fact that I think God has turned on me. My family is so fucked up and it's all coming out now. I apparently feel that my family is not a family after all. My dad has really fucked me up in the head.
So I'm leaving. I'm going to put off college and I am going to leave. Out of Indiana all the way to California I'm going. Hopefully I will find answers to what I want to do or what I feel I have to contribute to this world. And if I don't, then I tried. It's mostly to get away from this crappy life here with my "family" and be myself for once. It doesn't help that my mom says she's disapointed in me for not chooing to go to college. All my life I try not to be a failure because all this pressure is on me for being the only girl, the smartest, no-problems person of the "family" and mom says she's disapointed.
Tue, Nov. 29th, 2005, 10:55 pm
Where's the solace?
I have been becoming depressed again. I think I may need to see a doctor or something. I get very sad about stupid little things. Whenever dad raises his voice is an example. Or when my parents won't let me out of the house. Right now it's because I have not been able to contact Isaac for four days and mom won't let me drive the car. I can finally do what I want when I want, but I no longer have the means to do them! It's really making me very depressed and angry. It's like I have a constant headache. I just can't wait for school to be over.
The other night I prayed for an hour that I wouldn't get into college. I am tired of school. I am tired of doing anything anymore. I find no happiness except in my friends and in Isaac. But I no longer have the time or the ability to be with them. I want to give up. Perhaps I can finally use the trump card and get out of this situation forever. But what would that do to those close to me? I could never do that to them. It's the only reason I even bother to stay.
I never try anymore either. It's like, what's the point? I'll just have to end up doing something I hate, in a house I'll hate, with tons of bills, with no purpose, just like everyone else I know and that I will ever know. Why can't I just go away forever? It seems to be justified if you think of it as ending the suffering I will inevitivably have to endure through my lifespan.
I'm not as smart as I used to be anymore either. I forget everything all the time. I can't do anything about it. I find myself struggling to stay on a topic and often have to ask people to repeat themselves because I can't grasp what they have just said.
I badly need another vacation.
Mon, Oct. 17th, 2005, 05:03 pm
It's been awhile
It's been a month and a half since I have been with Isaac. After all this time, I realize that Josh was not really that important. I just couldn't let go. Now Isaac has enabled me to do so. I love him. He makes me so happy. I do still cry sometimes but now it's because I don't know if Isaac loves me. I think he has very strong feelings for me but I'm not sure if he realizes it. Or maybe he doesn't want to be hurt again? I don't know. Everything I do with him seems to have more meaning. Our lives seem so short now; I feel I don't have long to live. I can't understand it and I can't shake it. I just want to do what I can now while I can. If Isaac does love me, then I think there is probably nothing that can come that would make me any happier. I can't believe how happy I am with him. Mon, Jul. 25th, 2005, 03:12 pm
Huh, not so surprising
 You have TRAGIC love...and after all of these
relationships that turned sour, youre probably
ready to give up entirely on finding the right
partner. Try to hang on and dont worry, love
can pop up when you least expect it, but you
arent going to see it if your eyes are clouded
by tears. (did i mention that the
broken-spirited Winterhart found true love with
Amberdrake??)
What Type of Love Best Represents You?? (WONDERFUL anime pics!)
brought to you by Quizilla Thu, Jul. 21st, 2005, 03:17 am
Souce of the flow
You know, sometimes I don't believe he is even real. Like I made him up and I am loving nothing. Strangest feeling in the world. Sometimes I don't think I even like him, I wanna kill him, and other times I will be crying my eyes out over him. I have tried many times to get over him but there almost seems to be no solution. It's been at least eight years since I have met and liked this man and nearly three since I realized I loved him. I even told him I still liked him. I told him that and I didn't want him to like me back, only not hate me. I can't go on being just friends with him! I love him! There is no cure to love except maybe a lobotomy and I think that's out of the question. And killing myself is not an answer to anything it barely even needs mentioning.
I wrote him a letter. When I was feeling really depressed and wanted to run away or something. A couple years ago. Most of the things in it are still true. I wish I didn't feel this way. He doesn't even care or know to what extent I would go to have him back. I would do anything.
Do I even deserve to love? I've done so many things although others would say I've done nothing. I think I have done enough to be a tainted soul. I've smeared my self-esteem and ruined my faith. Have I said I believe the world will end before 2012? A result of thinking too much. Or is it believing to much? I don't know what's up or square or purple anymore. I forget how to spell all the time now. I usually am a terrific speller. And I overlook very obvious things. Like I can only focus on parts of things.
Today, we had to drop Lance off at driving practice and we went swimming. When we left, there were these dudes saying, "You know you want to" and, "Maybe the one, but not the other." They were talking about me and Kasey but I can't for the life of me believe they were checking me out. It's always the blonde. And I am too ugly to attract anyone. Anyone worth a crap. All the guys I attract are losers who only like me because I am nice and no one else will be their friend. Or the ones who think they are going to get lucky. Guys are such assholes!
Wed, Jun. 22nd, 2005, 09:19 pm
Possible Outcomes?
Well, I want this summer to mean something. I already have a job so scratch that one off. Other targets I hope to achieve are to get to 130 lbs (mebe), read at least half of my bookshelf, finish my story or at least get a decent ways into it, get rid of the crap in my room and possibly draw somethin once in a while. I also want to stop drinking caffeine, fast/junk food and effectively aquire a semblance of a tan so people don't make fun of my paleness anymore. It's funny, Kasey got burnt so bad and I barely got a burn and we were out at the same time and I am paler than her. hehe. I would've got a better tan if mom hadn't made me put stupid lotion on. Thu, May. 19th, 2005, 06:23 pm
Hey, it's my half-bday. Whadduya know?
Loving God means obeying his every word, right? Does that mean we are puppets with no free will under his glory? I love other people and I don't always listen to what they say. Heck, I don't even listen to myself half of the time. So why do we have to obey God to love him? That would make us like animals, only obedient because their master takes care of them and gives them what they want. God never gives me what I want. I ask for things all the time and it never happens. What ever happened to "ask and ye shall receive?" Is he picky? Does he only favor the best of the flock? Am I not important enough or follow him like he wants me to? I feel used and guinea pigged. I thought I was loved.
Fri, May. 6th, 2005, 08:34 pm
chillin
yep. here at home. my brother's out. havin fun. without me. watchin a movie. how nice of him to ask if I could go! what a sweet brother. grr.
Tomorrow, Isaac is supposed to come over. Rodger is bringing him. I hope I don't act like a buffoon while he is here. I'm so excited!
Tue, Mar. 29th, 2005, 08:28 pm
leesha feels exposed
No privacy whatsoever. People always looking over my shoulder and wanting me to "be part of the family." load-of-crap. I am a private person and I would like to keep it like that. I avoid "the family" for a reason. SO LEAVE ME BE! I have my own life. It took forever to keep you out of it and I would like the record to continue.
grr. I wish I was 8 months in the future so I could *finally* move out. I think I have lived in this most aggrevating place for much too long. Starting to affect my mind. I lock my bedroom door even when no one else is home. I get bugged fairly easy. Especially at habits. Is that odd? People's habits drive me up the wall. Like the way someone walks or if they read a book, eat and watch tv at the same time. grr!
yea, I'm sorry for that little outburst. They are just so AGGREVATING.
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crushed
nervous